Potential Breakup

I'm dreading this everyday feeling lately. Like my relationship is over. I understand that my boyfriend is working a lot now but I'm just dead inside to the idea that he's getting to busy for me. I saw him Monday for the first time in a week. I had an actual phone conversation with him the following night. That's been it recently. He's always tired and drained but he had time to go to a strip club with his coworkers last night and then couldn't call me to tell me he got in safely. I don't ask for much just a decent amount of communication and it's not happening. I talked to him about it yesterday before he got off only for him to tell me later on that night that he was going to a strip club. I don't want to break up with him but honestly I don't want to be in a relationship if I'm the only person trying anymore. Maybe we need a break so he can get his self together. He does have a lot going on right now but he doesn't talk about it. How am I supposed to be a good girlfriend and try to help but he won't communicate with me ? I've been crying all morning and it's killing me. I couldn't sleep last night, I don't have a appetite, and I'm not really up for doing anything today. I just want to chill out. I'm glad I don't have to work today.


I guess I should put myself on the back burner and let him figure some stuff out. I'm not going to ask for communication or time. If he wants to give it I'll be more than grateful to accept but until then I'm just going to suffer in silence because apparently opening my mouth about it isn't changing shit either.









xoxoxo.

Hyptothetically Speaking

I Havent Blogged In Awhile. Honestly I Dont Even Think Anyone Reads This Shit but Me but Honestly Its A Hell Of A Way To Vent. Lately I Feel Like Im Supposed To Successful Yet I Cant Be Successful. I Have So Many Ideas In This Huge Head Of Mine &&. I Cant Get Everything Out On Paper. All My Ideas Are Jumbled Up In My Head So A Clear Idea Hasnt Yet Appeared In Total.

Im Not Exactly Sure

I Think Im Stressed.
Im Not Sure If It Has Anything To Do With Trying To Find A Second Job or Maybe Im Just Always Going To Be Stressed. I Just Feel Lost. My Meds Are Keeping Me Cool For The Most Part. Im Trying To Focus On The Positive But I Feel At A Stand Still Yet Again. I Just Want To Be Happy. My Relationship Is Fine &&. My Home Life Is Good. I Just Dont Feel Special. Like I Dont Matter. I Really Just Want To Disappear For Awhile &&. Come Back Already Successful. Its Not That Easy I Know. But Its Just Getting Ridiculous. My Mind Is Racing &&. Im Not Really Liking It.

My New Year

We all fell asleep around 5:30 January 1st. We woke up around 12 and everything was lovely. I woke up in my boyfriends arms and we had our kiss our 12:00 midnight. This was a new years to remember.

The pictures say just about everything.

ENOUGH SAID. Glad You Made It To 2013.


xoxoxoxo.

Is There Really A Mr. or Mrs. Perfect ?

My answer is FUCK NO !

If you believe for a goddamn second that the person you are masturbating to every damn night in your dreams honestly exist your stupid as fuck. I'm not saying that there isn't someone out there for every one but in all honesty why would you want someone completely perfect? Take me for example:

Due to me being bisexual I have my ideal woman and ideal man. My ideal woman is a tall, olive toned female, with long black hair, big brown eyes, round lips and a tongue ring. She has a lot of tattoos and a smile that could light up a room. I would want her to be loving, caring, family oriented, someone my family would approve of, hardworking, loyal, and romantic. Now you know as well as I do there is NO WAY on this damn planet that this bitch exist, and if she does exist her sexy ass isn't interested in me. For one, I'm not the prettiest thing on the planet. I find myself attractive and all but normally females like the one I just listed, are normally looking for someone a lot like them.

As for a male companion I would LOVE for him to be somewhere between 5'9 and 6'2. He would brown skinned, and have several heavily tattooed areas of his body. No criminal record, a college student, drives, works hard, lives alone, loves his mother, plays video games, loves home cooked meals, family oriented, the oldest sibling of maybe like 4, and goes to church. I have no idea why I need so many different attributes for man but whatever. Honestly, I would enjoy having this kind of man. He would be the kind of man I made love to on the regular, he would be the ideal father to our children and he would love me genuinely. Sadly, this man may be gay on the low and that shit would break my damn heart.

I don't know why I can't think in an optimistic manner when it comes to finding the "perfect" mate but I honestly feel like setting your standards to high will just get you fucked over. What would be the point in finding someone who was perfect knowing after a while all the fuck you would do is complain on how you never get to complain. I don't want the perfect mate. I want someone I can love and will love me. Someone who I can complain about and complain to. Someone who give me things that I need and not just want I want. I just really want to settle down with someone who I can see me spending my life with when the time comes. Someone like Ural. I think I've found someone I can be happy with for a long time if time permits. I love him and I hope that this lasts. I know he's not gay, he loves me, my parents approve, and he's a sweetheart. I'm good.

There may not be a Mr./Mrs. Perfect but I love the Mr. I've found.

2012: I Guess You Could Say...

OK so just a breakdown of my year. This may be somewhat lengthy so bear with me. This year had it's ups and downs. I can't really fathom how the fuck I got through it but I did.Let's work our way from (what I can remember) January to December.

January: OK so I should  have known this year would be shit because my new years went to well. I had a great time with friends and family. Laughing it up and drinking. I mean I couldn't go back to college after the year started but whatever fuck it right? I had my sisters, my best friend, and my family. I was content.

February: This is the month where my life changed DRASTICALLY. I met Ural. He was iffy at first. I didn't like him but he grew on me. I enjoyed being in his company and things were looking like we would become a couple somewhere down the line.

March: This was a pretty chill month. Shit didn't really start fucking up until around the end of August. I was working at this time. I had my little part time job at the popcorn stand in Whitemarsh and I was good.

April: I can't remember shit from April !

June: June was cool. I was still content with life and things weren't too bad. I was still messing with Rashaun at the time (major downfall) but things were OK. I still had my friends up Coppin and everything was cool.

May: It was whatever. It was hot as all hell and I spent a lot of time with Rashaun. I was trying to balance him and Ural. You know have my cake and eat it too? Well I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but I'm glad I left Rashaun in the past.

July: I was offered the opportunity to move out on my own and by the end of the following month I would moving out on my own.

August: I turned 19. Shit got real. I moved out of my dad's house and me and my sisters started seeing less of one another. It was awkward for me in a lot of ways and things were becoming ass. It was all due to a roommate that I should have never put my trust in. This is where the headache began.

September: Things were OK. Not great but things were legit. I was still smoking weed at this point and drinking excessively. I was trying to live life and enjoy myself but little did I know that was my downfall.

October: I ran the fuck away from my own home, tried to kill myself, had to be put on medication for chronic depression and bipolar disorder, my father banned me from his house, my family had basically stopped speaking to me. My job at the assisted living home was ass but by this time I started working at Elev8 and now my money was looking OK. The water in our damn house got shut off my roommate threatened me, I was losing my fucking mind 10x, Ural and I became a couple, I started seeing a psych and I had given up the weed and alcohol.

November: Wasn't completely shitty. My dad and I started to develop a better relationship. I didn't feel the need to commit suicide anymore. I was finally becoming happier. I had gotten a couple more tattoos. Ural and I were getting closer and I had really started to think things were looking up.

December: Bumpiest damn month of my life. I had a period that felt like I was being stabbed in the damn vagina. Ural may or may not be cheating. I'm starting driving school in January. I'm debating on my next tattoo. My job is lovely. My cousin and I are getting closer. My anxiety is a little worse. I need to call my counselor and I think a nice vacation away from all these stressors may do the trick. Nothing major just a weekend in the hotel by my damn self. I can't get this idea of Ural cheating out of my head. I want to approach him about it but I don't know what to say exactly without freaking out or hitting him. I really like even if I ask him he may lie. I don't fucking know.

*deep breath*

So all in all this was a brief synopsis of my 2012. It had its good times and bad times. It had it's suicidal moments and times where I wanted to rip my damn hair out, but I'm alive. I can't complain. Well, I can but that just wouldn't be right.

So I guess you could say: 2013 better be a lot better because I'm sick of this shit.

Tomorrow Is Doomsday

Fuck That Dumb Ass Theory. I Am Not A Total Bible Geek but I Do Believe No One Will Know The Time Or The Hour but God. So For Anyone To Believe This Theory Is Just Ridiculous. Dont Get Me Wrong There Have Been Plenty of Signs The World Could Be Ending but All This Is Based Off A Calendar Made By A Civilization Of People Who Werent Toilet Trained. They Didnt Even Have Twelve Calendar Months Back Then. So Actually We Should Have All Been Burned To A Crisp In Like Feburary ! I Think This Shit Is So Dumb. Its Sad How Many People Fall Victim To These Universal Hoax. Payday Is Tomorrow &&. My Jobs Showcase Is Going On Also So Imma Need For Everyone To Calm The Fuck Down &&. Continue With Our Regular Scheduled Programming .

&&. Back Down On Earth..
My Attitude Is Ridiculous Lately. Im Either
Angry or Upset, There Are No Other Emotions. Aside From That My Boyfriend Has A "Homegirl" Now. I Dont Mind Friends but If I Call Him He Doesnt Answer. I Call Him Everyday After Work Because We Get Off Around The Same Time. Now If I Call. There Is No Answer. He'll Call Me Like 11 &&. Expect To Have An Actual Conversation. I Dont Like That Shit. I Cant Talk To Him About It Because My Attitude Is Shot !! I'll End Up Cursing Him Out w. No Intention To. I Just Cant Deal Sometimes. If Its True I'll Be Heartbroken. He's Been By Me Through A lot &&. For Him To Began To Cheat Now Would Kill Me. My Family Likes Him &&. I Love Him. Im An Emotional Wreck
&&. This Stress Isnt Fucking Helping.

xoxoxo. I Guess.