Way Too Much Time To Think..

Ok So I Need To Decipher My Thoughts:

Relationships: Shit is just really doing flips in my damn head. I want so bad to believe that shit will work its self out but I'm still catching a headache. I'm kind of hung up on my ex I must admit. It's like her and I haven't spoken since her and I broke up and decided not to be friends, but I want to just sit her down and tell her how I really feel. I want to move on but everyone I have my eye on is in the same category my ex is in. It's like if there was a checklist for everything that pissed me off about her and I, I find it in someone else. I guess I'm kind of looking for her in someone else in a sense just not with all the bullshit.

Family Life: I'm beginning to feel like motherfucking Cinderella in this damn house. I can't find work and it's killing me. I can't do shit with my life during the week other then to try and find work and clean. My dad is busting his ass at work and when he's not home and everyone else is, I feel like I don't exist. Don't get me wrong I'm somewhat of a loner but I like to be around my household sometimes. I just hate the fact my stepmom is somewhat distant. It's like the only people she wants to converse with is my aunt and my dad. Occasionally, my stepsister and her will converse but I'd never want to sit down and have a conversation. It's just an ugly feeling. Like she wanted my dad but not all he came with i.e. me and my sister. I don't want to talk to her about it only because sometimes when I say things I tend to come off disrespectful or rude. It's not intentional it's just second nature to me to always speak EXACTLY what's on my mind. I'm at a lost but whatever.

All over: My emotions for today were shitty 10 times fold. It was a fun day I just thought to fucking far into everything. It's kinda late but I guess I'm just going to relax and then this weekend I'll pack a bowl or something.


Goodnight Bloggers.

Today Was One Of Those Days..

Today I did some different shit. I walked from my house to Wal-Mart and back. I went to the flea market. I talked to an old friend about doing their makeup, and I just chilled. Honestly, today was a no makeup, off the shoulder sweatshirt kind of day. Nothing really interesting to be real. I thought about a lot. I thought about life and what it holds but I came to the conclusion, no matter how much of my life I plan out, shit will never HONESTLY work the same.

I Don't Fucking Know Anymore

I guess you could say I've reached a point in my life where I feel somewhat unwanted. Not the kind of unwanted where you're not getting any attention, it's more like no one actually wants to fuck with you. I don't know why I've been in this ugly ass rut lately but I'm just super fucking unhappy. I guess it all started when my sister began looking for shit for prom and graduation. I graduated last year and my senior year was somewhat, I don't know, BULLSHIT ! I mean ok, so I didn't get to wear the dress I wanted to prom but I took my sister and guess what dress she wore? My point exactly. It's like she gets what she wants all the time and it's somewhat aggravating. I mean don't get me wrong I love my sister but I just wish we were equal. I'm the older of the two and I always get the shitty end of the stick. In this house I'm somewhat like Cinderella mixed with a little new age Princess Tiana. I want so bad to get out of here but I can't find work. I had an interview the other day and it went really well. So I hope I get the job. I don't really like my household anymore. I love the people in it, but the house itself is corrupt. It's like if I don't clean, the house is just dirty. I don't have my own room anymore because my aunt moved in. It's ok I guess I mean she does a lot to help us and she's super supportive. I just wish she cleaned more. I just want my own shit I guess. I guess I'm tired of looking at the same four walls. I mean I had to leave my university because of financial issues and I'm not taking any community college courses only because I have to pay Coppin their money first. Outside of all that, Im working on getting my license. That's not too hard I just keep fucking failing the permit test by 4 instead of just getting three questions incorrect and passing. I mean that's no one's fault but my own. I'm single simply because my ex girlfriend is a compulsive liar. I hate liars. I can't deal sometimes. It's like everything is glittering and gold one moment and then the next it's a stinking pile of llama shit and I'm forced to sit in it. I just don't know sometimes. I don't talk to anyone about my problems simply because I don't want sympathy. I don't want a damn pat on the back or none of that bullshit. I have what I need. Mary jane and our occasional encounters and my bestfriend Brittany. I don't think that I'll be in this shitty mind state forever but until something changes I'm going to feel like this. I'm trying and I'm putting in the effort I'm just getting impatient waiting for the payoff. I guess you could say, I'm doing what's needed but in the process I'm feeling like no one needs me.