I Don't Fucking Know Anymore

I guess you could say I've reached a point in my life where I feel somewhat unwanted. Not the kind of unwanted where you're not getting any attention, it's more like no one actually wants to fuck with you. I don't know why I've been in this ugly ass rut lately but I'm just super fucking unhappy. I guess it all started when my sister began looking for shit for prom and graduation. I graduated last year and my senior year was somewhat, I don't know, BULLSHIT ! I mean ok, so I didn't get to wear the dress I wanted to prom but I took my sister and guess what dress she wore? My point exactly. It's like she gets what she wants all the time and it's somewhat aggravating. I mean don't get me wrong I love my sister but I just wish we were equal. I'm the older of the two and I always get the shitty end of the stick. In this house I'm somewhat like Cinderella mixed with a little new age Princess Tiana. I want so bad to get out of here but I can't find work. I had an interview the other day and it went really well. So I hope I get the job. I don't really like my household anymore. I love the people in it, but the house itself is corrupt. It's like if I don't clean, the house is just dirty. I don't have my own room anymore because my aunt moved in. It's ok I guess I mean she does a lot to help us and she's super supportive. I just wish she cleaned more. I just want my own shit I guess. I guess I'm tired of looking at the same four walls. I mean I had to leave my university because of financial issues and I'm not taking any community college courses only because I have to pay Coppin their money first. Outside of all that, Im working on getting my license. That's not too hard I just keep fucking failing the permit test by 4 instead of just getting three questions incorrect and passing. I mean that's no one's fault but my own. I'm single simply because my ex girlfriend is a compulsive liar. I hate liars. I can't deal sometimes. It's like everything is glittering and gold one moment and then the next it's a stinking pile of llama shit and I'm forced to sit in it. I just don't know sometimes. I don't talk to anyone about my problems simply because I don't want sympathy. I don't want a damn pat on the back or none of that bullshit. I have what I need. Mary jane and our occasional encounters and my bestfriend Brittany. I don't think that I'll be in this shitty mind state forever but until something changes I'm going to feel like this. I'm trying and I'm putting in the effort I'm just getting impatient waiting for the payoff. I guess you could say, I'm doing what's needed but in the process I'm feeling like no one needs me.