2012: I Guess You Could Say...

OK so just a breakdown of my year. This may be somewhat lengthy so bear with me. This year had it's ups and downs. I can't really fathom how the fuck I got through it but I did.Let's work our way from (what I can remember) January to December.

January: OK so I should  have known this year would be shit because my new years went to well. I had a great time with friends and family. Laughing it up and drinking. I mean I couldn't go back to college after the year started but whatever fuck it right? I had my sisters, my best friend, and my family. I was content.

February: This is the month where my life changed DRASTICALLY. I met Ural. He was iffy at first. I didn't like him but he grew on me. I enjoyed being in his company and things were looking like we would become a couple somewhere down the line.

March: This was a pretty chill month. Shit didn't really start fucking up until around the end of August. I was working at this time. I had my little part time job at the popcorn stand in Whitemarsh and I was good.

April: I can't remember shit from April !

June: June was cool. I was still content with life and things weren't too bad. I was still messing with Rashaun at the time (major downfall) but things were OK. I still had my friends up Coppin and everything was cool.

May: It was whatever. It was hot as all hell and I spent a lot of time with Rashaun. I was trying to balance him and Ural. You know have my cake and eat it too? Well I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but I'm glad I left Rashaun in the past.

July: I was offered the opportunity to move out on my own and by the end of the following month I would moving out on my own.

August: I turned 19. Shit got real. I moved out of my dad's house and me and my sisters started seeing less of one another. It was awkward for me in a lot of ways and things were becoming ass. It was all due to a roommate that I should have never put my trust in. This is where the headache began.

September: Things were OK. Not great but things were legit. I was still smoking weed at this point and drinking excessively. I was trying to live life and enjoy myself but little did I know that was my downfall.

October: I ran the fuck away from my own home, tried to kill myself, had to be put on medication for chronic depression and bipolar disorder, my father banned me from his house, my family had basically stopped speaking to me. My job at the assisted living home was ass but by this time I started working at Elev8 and now my money was looking OK. The water in our damn house got shut off my roommate threatened me, I was losing my fucking mind 10x, Ural and I became a couple, I started seeing a psych and I had given up the weed and alcohol.

November: Wasn't completely shitty. My dad and I started to develop a better relationship. I didn't feel the need to commit suicide anymore. I was finally becoming happier. I had gotten a couple more tattoos. Ural and I were getting closer and I had really started to think things were looking up.

December: Bumpiest damn month of my life. I had a period that felt like I was being stabbed in the damn vagina. Ural may or may not be cheating. I'm starting driving school in January. I'm debating on my next tattoo. My job is lovely. My cousin and I are getting closer. My anxiety is a little worse. I need to call my counselor and I think a nice vacation away from all these stressors may do the trick. Nothing major just a weekend in the hotel by my damn self. I can't get this idea of Ural cheating out of my head. I want to approach him about it but I don't know what to say exactly without freaking out or hitting him. I really like even if I ask him he may lie. I don't fucking know.

*deep breath*

So all in all this was a brief synopsis of my 2012. It had its good times and bad times. It had it's suicidal moments and times where I wanted to rip my damn hair out, but I'm alive. I can't complain. Well, I can but that just wouldn't be right.

So I guess you could say: 2013 better be a lot better because I'm sick of this shit.

Tomorrow Is Doomsday

Fuck That Dumb Ass Theory. I Am Not A Total Bible Geek but I Do Believe No One Will Know The Time Or The Hour but God. So For Anyone To Believe This Theory Is Just Ridiculous. Dont Get Me Wrong There Have Been Plenty of Signs The World Could Be Ending but All This Is Based Off A Calendar Made By A Civilization Of People Who Werent Toilet Trained. They Didnt Even Have Twelve Calendar Months Back Then. So Actually We Should Have All Been Burned To A Crisp In Like Feburary ! I Think This Shit Is So Dumb. Its Sad How Many People Fall Victim To These Universal Hoax. Payday Is Tomorrow &&. My Jobs Showcase Is Going On Also So Imma Need For Everyone To Calm The Fuck Down &&. Continue With Our Regular Scheduled Programming .

&&. Back Down On Earth..
My Attitude Is Ridiculous Lately. Im Either
Angry or Upset, There Are No Other Emotions. Aside From That My Boyfriend Has A "Homegirl" Now. I Dont Mind Friends but If I Call Him He Doesnt Answer. I Call Him Everyday After Work Because We Get Off Around The Same Time. Now If I Call. There Is No Answer. He'll Call Me Like 11 &&. Expect To Have An Actual Conversation. I Dont Like That Shit. I Cant Talk To Him About It Because My Attitude Is Shot !! I'll End Up Cursing Him Out w. No Intention To. I Just Cant Deal Sometimes. If Its True I'll Be Heartbroken. He's Been By Me Through A lot &&. For Him To Began To Cheat Now Would Kill Me. My Family Likes Him &&. I Love Him. Im An Emotional Wreck
&&. This Stress Isnt Fucking Helping.

xoxoxo. I Guess.

Better Later Than Never

I Have Neglected This Damn Thing Yet Again. But Im Back Now.
Nothing Interesting Has Really Happened Lately. Ural &&. I Are Doing Good. I've Began My Counseling For All The Shit I've Been Through In Life. I Made A New Friend. Her Name Is Brianna. She's Cool. Shes From The UK &&. We're The Same Age. I Think She's A Keeper In The Friend Category. I Miss My Cousin Like Crazy ! Ever Since That Day We Hung Out I Just Want To Spend More Time w. Him. That Was The First Time In A Long Time I Really Enjoyed Myself.

The Other Night Ural &&. I Were Joking Around &&. He Said Something That Made Me Tear Up. I Told Him There Were 100+ Animals Ready To Take His Place. He Said I Cant Replace A Heartbeat. If You're Slow &&. Dont Get It He's Saying He's The Reason My Heart Beats. &&. Its True. I Love Him More Than I Love Myself. He's Irreplaceable. He Has Stuck Through All The Bullshit w. Me. Dont Get Me Wrong We've Had Rough Patches but We've Worked Through Them. I Really Could See Me Spending My Life With Him. I've Had My Share Of Fucked Up Relationships and Ural Is Nothing Like Them. He's Amazing. He Didnt Come When I Wanted Him Too but He Showed Up. Better Late Than Never.

Charm City My Ass

Just A Peek Into My Life.
Everyday Around The Same Time I Arrive At This Area To Wait For My Bus To Work. I See The Same Everyday. There's Your Downtown Junkies, The Disgusting Pungant Auroma Of Urine &&. Marijuana, &&. My All Time Favorite The Woman w. Body Oils Who Tells You "It Makes Sense To Get Ya Oils Over Here." It Doesnt Bother Me Anymore Than It Disgusts Me. People Have Shitty Lives I Understand That but These People Are So Strung Out Its Sad. Its Not Just Blacks Its All Races. They're Leaning,Drooling, Totally Disengaged. I Cant Imagine How Society Got This Bad. I Wasnt Around When It Started but I Want To Try &&. Help To Fix It. My Life Is No Better Than Anyone Else but We As A People Have To Better.

This Pain.

After I Ate This Morning I Started To Develop This Pain. Its Gone From My Chest To My Lower Back &&. Now My Neck. I Have No Idea Why The Fuck This Is Happening or Where This Damn Pain Came From but I Need To Go Away Like NOW !

I Havent Been On This Blog Lately Mainly Because I've Started A Raves &&. Review Blog For Baltimore.

Anywhore, I've Really Began To Feel A Million Times Better Then I Did A Couple Months Back. Im Not Stressed As Much &&. Im Thinking More Rational.

I Think I Have Gas Because I Just Burped &&. I Feel A Little Better. I'll Fart Once I Get Off The Bus Downtown.

xoxoxo.

Hurricane Sandy, My Fatassness, &&. Days Off From Work

Not To Much To Say Today. Due To Sandy &&. Her PMS Elev8 Was Off For 3 Days. Now Most People Wouldnt Complain but I Love My Job. My Students, My Coworkers, &&. The Change We're Making Makes Me Feel Damn Good. However, In The Time I've Eaten So Much That I Can Feel Myself Getting Fatter.

Side note: It Went From Hoodie To Flight Jacket Weather In Like 3 Days. Like What The Fuck ?!

&&. A Message To Sandy: BITCH YOU OWE ME NEW UGGS !! Im Out &&. About &&. Outta Nowhere The Fucking Rain Starts Coming Down &&. Wind Is Blowing &&. Shit ! Like Damn Bitch What The Hell Did Someone Do To You ? Now My Uggs Are All Ashy &&. Now I Have To Order Another Pair. Probably Around Black Friday.

Anywho, Im On My Way To Work <3

Ok So Scratch That..

I FUCKED UP !

I Lost The Only Person That Actually Gave A Fuck About Me. My Boyfriend and I Are Now On A Break and I Can't Deal. I Shouldn't Have Jumped The Gun Like I Did but The Shit Just Hurt. I Can't Stomach This Shit. I Miss Him and I'm Woman Enough To Admit I Need Him. I've Never Felt Like This EVER. My Eyesight Is Blurry From Crying and I'm Dying Inside. I Love Ural With All My Heart. I Just Hopes He Knows That.

My Whole Life Is A Lie

My Own Father Has Been Lying To Me. My Sisters Hate Me &&. I Lost My Bestfriend. My Boyfriend Is Cheating On Me &&. Im Heartbroken All Around. I Cant Stop Crying &&. Im Losing My Shit. Nobody Is Looking or Even Considering My Feelings. I Hate This Shit. I Dont Have A Friend At All. Everyone Has Fucked Me Over Aside From A Few. I Dont Want To Be Bothered &&. Honestly Im Ready To Relapse &&. Get Dumb High !!! I Feel Like Fuck &&. Im Ready To Just Say Fuck Everything &&. Become A Junkie. At Least They Accepted The Bullshit They've Been Through &&. Moved On To Other Things. I Could Never Do Drugs Like Crack or Anything but I Can Completely Zone The Fuck Out &&. Forget Everything.. Thats My Best Bet At This Moment.

So I Guess Today Is A Good Day To Blog.

Picture Cooked Fish Stcks.
The Crispy Outer Layer &&. The Flaky Inside.

But Whats The One Fucking Thing You Never Forget About That Childhood Dinner ??

Thats Right, That Nasty Ass Smell.

Im On My Way To Work &&. Thats Exactly What This Damn Bus Smells Like. Lately Nothing Has Been Seriously Interesting To Blog About I Miss Being Able To Vent About Stupid Shit !!

Ewwww !!.. There Is An Abundance Of Pungant Odors Now Because People Are Boarding The Bus In Fucking Packs.

The Smell Of Fish, Sex, Sweat, Sunday Dinner, Dog Food, &&. Ass Fill The Dysfunctional Air On This Bus. I Wish I Had A Mask.

This Motherfucker Needs To Be Quarintined. I Cant Deal. I Dont Have To Be To Work Until 2 But Still. I Dont Wanna Risk Being Late.

On The Other Hand It Smells Like Hepatitis Z On This Damn Bus !!

Moving On..
The Election Is Coming Up &&. Now Donald Trump In All His Hair Plugged Glory Attempts To Fuck Up President Obamas Chances Of Winning. I Dont Know What Obama Did That Bankrupt Prick but Honestly, Donald Give That Shit Up !! Regardless Whether President Barack Obama Is Elected Another Term Or Not You're Still Going To Be A Three Time Divorced l, Bankrupt, Dumbass Piece Of Shit !! Gah !! I Hate People Who Do Stupid Shit To Think They're Gaining Something From Belittling Someone Of Higher Rank Than Them. Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are ?! *takes deep breath* Ok. Im Calm but Seriously I Think Thats Just Low Down &&. Rude. I Guess Not Everyone Has A Heart.

Xoxoxo.

Rant &&. Raves

My Morning Blogs Would've Been Shit If I Had Blogged The Past Two Days. Everything Has Been Chill. Ural &&. I Are Actually Together Now &&. For The Most Part Everything Is The Same. We're Just A lot More Sickening To Society Because We're Lovey Dovey &&. Weird. Ummm, What Else ?
Did You See The Debate Tuesday Night ? It Was Going To Be A Donkey Elephant WWE Smackdown ! I Had $10 On Obama. Romney Looks Like He Can Take A Punch but Cant Throw One For Shit. I Dont Really Like To Talk About My Views On The Election Because Everyone Is Different. &&. Besides I Dont Have That Much Fucking Time To Type My Opinion. Not While On My Way To Work. Anyway, Yea Nothing Is Truly Interesting Or Annoying Enough For Me To Rant About. Other Then The Various Smells On This Bus.

No Complaints.

This Morning Is Fairly Chills. Nothing To Rant About. This Really Cute Girl Just Got On The Bus &&. Someone Smells Good. This Isnt A Real Good Morning To Blog. No Excitement. (Boo.)

I Love To Be Stared At

Nothing Sets My Fucking Heart Aflare Then Someone Fucking Staring at Me. I Dont Know If Its Because They See Something I Dont but I HATE Being Stared At. Its Annoying. I Dont Do It Purposely All The Time but If You're Purposely Staring at Me. Get Your Life Right. I Dont Think Im All That Pretty. I Dont Feel Im Better Then Anyone Else &&. My Clothes Fit.. So WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT ?!

My Weekend Was Amazing. I Went To Dinner &&. A Hookah Bar w. Bae. We Talked About A lot &&. *pause* Im In My Normal Blogging Spot &&. This Man Walks Past Me &&. Smells Straight Like Wet Dog ! Anyway, It Was A Good Date Night. My Mom &&. I Along w. My Cousin Went To The Goodwill &&. Bought Some Real Nice Stuff =) My Cousin &&. Her Son Are Having Some Tough Times Right Now So Its Good That We Can.Help. I Work At My Cousins School So If He Needs Anything He Can Come To Me &&. His Mom Is Staying w. My Mother. They're Pratically Like Sisters. Im Just Glad My Mother Is Interracting w. Someone From,Her Side Of The Family. They Arent Close At All. Hopefully, This Changes A lot &&. We Can Began To See Them More <3

My Fucking Delimma

Ok So Lately I've Been Having These Crazy Sex Dreams. Like I'm Humping Celebrites. Chris Brown Has Gotten It, Rihanna Got Her Box Tasted, Oprah Got A Hit, &&. Selena Gomez Gave Me A Spin. THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS ! Anyway, So Right Now Im At My Hair Dresser &&. Not Only Can She Do Hair but She Is SEXY AS FUCK ! She Has Tattoos, A Nice Chest, A Real Sweet Ass, &&. Did I Mention She Fucking GORGEOUS ! So When She Washes My Hair She Does This Thing Where She Massages The Conditioner Into My Scalp... I Wanted To Lick Her SO BAD ! She Just Is So Gentle, Yet Aggressive, &&. She Has The Prettiest Smile. Her Bestfriend Nikki Is Sexy To. She Has One Of Those Urban Book Characters Type Body. Like Everything About Her Is Pure Estrogen Ecstasy. She's So Pretty &&. Shes A Great Mother To Her Daughters Which Makes Me Want Her Even More. Smh. Its A Damn Shame That Im Crushing On These Women. But A Girl Wants What She Wants &&. If They Ever Tell Me They Want It. They Most Certainly Are Getting It !!

*wink wink*

And I Say All This In The Gayest Way Possible

Love You Bitches xoxo.

Imma Hafta Shoot A Motherfucka In The Ass

This Morning Was Good Until Exactly 11:56 This Morning. Me Minding My Fucking Business On The Bus Stop Waiting For The Public Transit Bus I Came Across A Gentleman. He's Very Unattractive Like A Cross Between Future &&. Jimmy Hendrix. Anyway, I'm Minding My Fucking Business &&. Hes Looking My Way. (Ok Fine Whatever) Then He Begins His Cigarette (Whatever Kill Yourself) but Then After The VERY LAST PUFF (Which Happened To Be at 11:56 a.m.) THIS MOTHERFUCKER FLICKS HIS CIGARETTE BUTT BY MY DAMN FOOT !!!! Who The FUCK This Nigga Think He Is ? I Mean Its One Thing To Do It On Accident but He Did It In Order To Flirt w. Me. -__-
Who TF Does That ?! I Mean Really ?!!! Like Why ? Anyway I Told Him I Was Taken &&. Happy He Then Continues To Tell Me He Has That "Dope Dick" Which Got The Response "Im Sure, You Look Like You Sniff Lines". Anyway Now We're On The Bus (Where I Do 90% Of My Blogging) &&. He's Looking Out The Window. He Even Looks My Way Im Going To Mace THE FUCK Out Of Him =)

Sidenotes: This Man Smells Like Cleaning Supplies
The Bus Is Moving Entirely To Fast. Im Getting Nauseous.
My Feet Barely Touch The Floor
I Have Pizza For Lunch.

Did You All Enjoy My Ghetto Girl Typing ? It Comes Out Sometimes When Im Pissed (Westside Certified).

Love You Bitches xoxo.

The Art Of Twerking

I Dont Know Why Every Girl Feels Like They Posess The Talent. Twerking In Baltimore Is Fucking ART ! Lls. No but Honestly I've Seen A lot Of Twerking Fails. Lets Describe The Various Twerking Fails:

Twerking w. No Ass: Whether Its In.The Club or For Youtube, If You Have No Ass Dont &&. I REPEAT DONT Go Around Shaking Ya Back Everywhere. If There Is No Cuff Under Your Ass, Give It Up. Every Guy or Fellow Youtuber Will Agree You Have Failed At Twerking.

Cant Dance &&. Attempting To Twerk: If You Cannot Follow A Beat or Keep Up Your Ass Claps w. The Tempo STOP MOVING ! Just Two Step or Do Something Else. I Hate Seeing Asses Moving Ass Fast To Songs Like "Bands A Make Her Dance". Its Irky &&. Uncordinated. However Its Funny As Fuck !

&&. Lastly, Twerking &&. Looking Nasty: Im A Big Girl &&. Honestly I Pride Myself In Being Able To Shake My Ass w.o. Looking Nasty. You MUST Be Conscious What Jiggles &&. When Twerking, Is That Jiggling Appropriate. Just Dont Pull A  Heights Chick Move &&. TwerkIn Public &&. Everyone Can See You're Menstrating.

So In Conclusion, If Twerking Is Something Your City Takes Serious Like My Dysfunctional City Does, Have Your Bitches Master The Twerk Before They Go Around Putting On Shows ! Lls.

Goodmorning Bloggers.

Gay.

Ok So This May Come As A Shock but I Like Vagina. I Only Like This One Homosapien w. A Penis but Recently One Of My Exes Who I Was Really Loving At The Time We Were Together Came Back Into My Life. Then My Ex Who I Messed w. The Beginning Of The Year Came Back In Contact w. Me Like Yesterday &&. Wants To Chill. Honestly I Know Its Because She Just Got Out Of A Shitty Four Year Relationship but To Be Honest I've Been Kinda Anticipating Their Breakup. I Know Thats Bad but She Just Has This Personality I Find So Sexy. My Other Ex &&. I Have That Kind Of Love Where It Never Went Away. I Miss Her Kisses &&. Hugs. I Miss Her Laugh. I Miss Her Everything. My Kinda Bf &&. I Havent Been Perfect Lately &&. He Feels A lot Different About Shit Then I Do, but I Still Dont Think Thats A Reason To Cheat or Go Back To Either One Of Them. Dont Get Me Wrong 6 Months Ago I Had Bomb Ass... *clears throat* "Studying Session" w. Personality Type Sexy . Its Just Im Mixed Up Emotionally. Do I Go Back To Someone I Love &&. Leave Who I Love Now &&. Loves Me but Just Isnt The Same or Do I Stay w. Him &&. Ask Him Permission To See One Of Them On The Side ? Question Is Which One ? #BisexualDilemmas

2 Days In A Row.. FUCKS YEA !

I Feel Fucking Amazing Today ! I Mean Like I Feel Amazing ! I Missed A Bus This Morning &. I Wasnt The Least Bit Upset. Having Gone To Church Yesterday Just Made Me Feel So Good. This Week I Feel MGK Invincible.

So Right Now Im On The Bus &&. There Are A lot Of Elderly People &&. Everyone Including Myself Are Giving Up Their Seats. It Just Makes Me Feel Fucking Proud That All Black People Arent Jackasses. Everyone Dogs Us Enough Anyway. Simple Acts Of Kindness Just Prove That Some People Do Have Respect For Our Elders.

My Ex &&. I Actually Have An Actual Friendship. I Mean Aside From His Random Spurts Of Wanting To Do It &&. Then Getting Pissed When I Decline. We're Working On His Urges Because I Have None. Let It Had Still Been Like 2009 I Would Quickly Just Dropped My Pants For Him but I Cant Fathom Him &&. I EVER AGAIN ! Its A Nasty Thought &&. It Rarely Crosses My Mind. In All Honesty I Really Do Love The Guy Im w. Now &&. Fucking Up Again Isnt An Option. Im Nowhere In Love but Im Glad I Have Him.

In Other News: Last Night I Had This Hot &&. Steamy Dream About Me &&. My Ex Girlfriend. It Was FIRE ! Lately I've Had The Craving For Umm You Know.. V A G I N A. Its Like I Miss A Womans Touch &&. I Want It. I Really Am Finding Myself Wanting Her Touch. On Top Of Her w. Her Hand On My Ass &&. We're Kissing On Her Brothers Bed Listening To Jeezy. Just One More Time &&. I Promise I'll Find Another Lls.

(This Junkie Is Leaning On The Bus &&. Shes Terribly Close To My Shoulder)

Anyway Back To Paying Attention To These Stops Before I Miss My Own.

Later Bitches xoxoxo.

Tomorrow

If This Week Goes Anything Like I Hope. This Should Be A Good Week. I Dont Have Too Much To Say Tonight. I Dont Know If Its Because I Have Really Bad Gas or Cartoons Are Really Good Tonight. Either Way Im Almost Done.

I Enjoy Blogging From My Phone. I Think I'll Do This Shit Everyday. This Is One Of The Less Interesting Posts. Anywho Time To Call The Beau &&. Boo Love Lls.

Yet Again

Ok So My Bad I Havent Been Blogging Like I Promised I Would but One My Laptop Is Rated Shit &&. Now I Have To Get To The Bitch Fixed ! I Dropped It, The Charger Peice Ripped, &&. It Had A Virus (Which I Fixed) but Aside From The Shit It Still Works. Anyway, Lately Me &&. The Mr. Havent Been The Best. We're Still Talking but We're Still Off. He Doesnt Text Me In The A.M., He Doesnt Call Every Night, &&. The Other Night He Had Something Important To Do So I Had To Catch The Bus Home. He Doesnt Feel Like Anything Is Wrong But Honestly Im To A Point Now Where I Can Show You WAY Better Then I Can Tell You. Its Whatever Though. Im Already Alone Really. I Have Like 3 Friends. Im Not Really Complaining Just Venting. Lately Two People Have Come Back Into My Life That Know Someone I've Recently Lost Touch With. It Feels Like A Set Up but What The Fuck Would I Know About Feelings. Anyway I'm Getting Ready To Exit The Bus. Talk To You Bitches Later

Vagina.

So this is one of those where I decide to blog. I don't know why the fuck I can't stay faithful to this shit but if my blog was a female I'd most def would cheating on her with Youtube. The VMA's are on and Chris Brown seems so fake tonight. Like normally, he'd be running up to accept the award and high five(ing) fans but his pretty ass just walked up there, said some shit (blah blah Team Breezy blah blah directing music video blah) I love Chris Brown don't get me wrong but I just feel like he just have more excitement. Pause, why the fuck are two corny ass actors announcing the Best Hip Hop Video. (Is this fucking posts going to be all about the VMA's?).

Ok so today I didn't get in the house until 4 o'clock this afternoon. I didn't have a problem though because I was with my roommate at the ER. What pissed me off was I'm a big girl trying to get fucking comfortable in this little ass chair. I just got my thigh tattooed last week and the shit was dry and itchy all fucking night. I really wanted to cuss everyone in that motherfucker out but that would've been rude. My boyfriend is coming over later to talk and just keep me company for awhile it's always quiet as shit when my roommate isn't home.

Rashaun keeps wanting to come by and I won't let him. I won't hang out with and I kinda feel bad that I'm blowing him off but then the guilt is overshadowed by pure anger from the last fucking 7 years of my life and I realized he's blown my off for bitches,weed,pussy, and sometimes Chinese food. Snapping back into reality after all this fucking time feels really good but I just feel like until I sit him down and fully explain how bad he's hurt me over the years and I get a genuine apology I REFUSE to be his "bestfriend". I can confide in him about anything and I'll always love him but we can't truly be just friends until we get our feelings out on the table. It won't be emotional, it won't be like :fuck you bitch and one of us leaves the setting, but it will be interesting to actually hear how he feels. He doesn't talk about his feelings much.

Ural and I are close. After that night of all that bullshit we've come to the conclusion that we're going to claim one another as boyfriend and girlfriend. It's not an official relationship but it feels damn good to have someone who genuinely cares about me. I don't know why I felt like I needed Rashaun in my life to love me because in all actuality I think he just loves the thought of me. Ural really means it. He hugs me and I feel safe. I'm not embarrassed to cry in front of him and the greatest feeling in the world is our car rides to Wal-Mart bumping music and just enjoying each others company. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

On a more comical note: I BROKE MY MOTHERFUCKING NAIL !! (I just had to go back and retype that shit like 4 times because motherfucking looked like mortherfcking <-- what the fuck is that?

My Favorite Curse Word

I love the word fuck !

I can say that fucking word every fucking day all fucking day long ! I'm a loner and I'm ok with that now. I only really have my family and for some weird ass reason I'm super ok with that. All the drama in my life due to some falsifying information is for the most part over. I don't really feel the need to lose my fucking mind anymore either. My medicine works well and I'm feeling like a thousand dollars well maybe like a hundred dollars.  I'm not a hundred percent sure I'm in my right mind just yet because I am still having some suicidal and homicidal thoughts at times. Like I want to blow some shit up or stab someone.


Side note: What the fuck is up with Everest commercials ? One was just on Tv is their fucking commercials are peer pressuring me into doing shit. Like I want to call and say: "Hey, umm yea some random crackhead  on Tv wearing a Everest shirt told to me to call, so what the fuck do you all do?"


Back to reality: Lately I've found myself looking at every woman that walks by (excluding family and friends). I just really love women and I really want to caress and love on one. I really am the mood to feel her smooth skin against my own, her lips pressed against my own, and the smell of her sweet estrogen to hit my nostrils. I'm just so in the mood to be with a woman.


So in conclusion, I'm a horny bisexual who is on some kind of mood swing pill who loves to say the word FUCK !


That is all.

So I've Lost My Fucking Mind

No literally.
I really did lose my shit and now I'm on some mood swing pills to get my mind straight. I lost a lot of my friends, the relationship w. my dad is depleting, and I gave up smoking and drinking. I decided to start a relationship with a good friend of mine and it's amazing. He (YES HE) has really been there for me. I know I was so hung up on women but he really has just proved that every man isn't the fucking same. My ex is finally out of the picture COMPLETELY !! She proved that just because you act one way doesn't mean that that's your real character. I got the fuck off of facebook and twitter. This is probably just temporary but I feel better without it. It's like quitting smoking or some shit.

Don't get me wrong I still love women. I have gay moments EVERY DAMN DAY ! I enjoy women and I'm still very attracted to the beautiful creature that is Eve. I will still put my tongue in the... *cough* sorry I was getting to far into it.

Side note: I've been baking a lot of cakes lately. (RANDOM)

Ok so about this medicine. It makes my upper arms fucking ITCH ! Like the side effects are crazy as shit. It's supposed to help me with my bipolar tendencies (not the itching the pill). It doesn't make me gain weight or anything but I really think it's giving me diarrhea. Like today at work I shitted like 5 times and it was a nasty kinda shit too (that was all to personal). Anyways, I'm feeling better though since being on the medicine and I like the feeling of being content and sober. My boyfriend and I go walking during the week so I'm getting some exercise and I'm eating better.

I got my nose pierced ! The shit bled like someone had attempted to rape my fucking nostril by sticking a straw in my shit and then decided to yank it out. It looks cute though. It's dainty and feminine. It doesn't look like a fat ass boogie or blister. I could cover it with concealer or something and call it done if I needed to hide it but my job is cool with it.

Is that everything I want to tell you guys or is there something else ?
Nope I think that's about everything.
Bye Bitches. =) ( I only call you bitches because I don't any of you personally and if I do then maybe you deserve the title ;) )

Shoot Me In The Foot PLEASE !

Ok So Quick Side Note: I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing on here. How the fuck do you follow a blog? I kinda almost forgot I had this damn blog but I'm back and I'm ready to let you all into my life (yet again).

DISCLAIMER: If you aren't for homosexuality I advice you to do two things:

1. Get The FUCK Off Of MY BLOG 
2. Get REAL (It seems like everyone has a little gay in them nowadays, I just have a substantial amount that I enjoy very much)

Ok so basically I have this ex girlfriend and this is how shit went: My senior of high school I was really big on this website called Downelink.com. It's a website for the LGBTQ community. It's like myspace kind of. Anyway, well I had a friend request one day from this girl. I added her and we began conversing. Ok so skipping ahead like 3 weeks, her and I realized that we went to the same school. We met up the next morning in the cafeteria and spoke briefly. Somehow we exchanged numbers and began texting and talking. Everything was good, she was a sweet girl but she had that dominance that I find all too sexy. So we continued talking and eventually started dating. We were a cute couple. We had a lot of fun on the phone, we spent a lot of time together, and she always made me laugh. Well all good things come to an end and her and I broke up. She had her reasons for us not being together and I just took it as a grain of salt and moved on. Was I hurt ? HELL YEA ! I just had to be okay with it though because crying and whining would've been stupid as shit. Recently, her and I spent some time together and some things happened. Well now I'm kind of in my feelings. She's in a relationship with someone else and sad to say I'm jealous. I'm trying to talk to other people and take my mind off of her and our past relationship but this shit isn't working.She feels like because of her and I messing around I'm hers now. She has this territorial thing about her that I LOVE, it's like the sexiest thing in the world. I just don't understand how she's going to be jealous when I'm giving her all the hints I can give like HELLO BITCH I WANT TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND ! I don't mind being her friend it's just we both know that we like each other but she feels she's not the right girl for me. That's always the fucking case with me ! I'm either too good of a girlfriend or they just cheat. I don't know what to do anymore. We've talked about it and it just seems to go nowhere. It's like she's got me running in circles trying to figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to do about the way I feel. The shit is a headache. I want to be her friend so I separate my feelings for her from wanting to be her friend. The shit is just a lesbians worst nightmare. I need a nap. 

It's Fucking Monday..

Ok, So I know for a fact I don't blog like I should and that's primarily because my mind doesn't always remember I have this shit. Blogging is ok but sometimes I wish I just could talk and my words would show up on the screen. I mean I could do that from my phone but when I say things like "It's fucking Monday" It'll show up on the screen like "I want a sundae". I don't know why I'm saying stupid shit like this but.. Anyway.. I FINALLY GOT A DAMN JOB ! WOO HOO ! GO ME ! OH YEA ! *cough* Sorry I got a little ahead of myself. But, yea I got a job. I'm finally a working girl it's nothing to serious just enough to put some money in my pocket. Ummm, I don't really have to much to say today only because its fucking monday and all I did today was wash clothes and talk on the phone. I'm pretty sure I'll have more to talk about later. My life doesn't become interesting until around 8:00.

Way Too Much Time To Think..

Ok So I Need To Decipher My Thoughts:

Relationships: Shit is just really doing flips in my damn head. I want so bad to believe that shit will work its self out but I'm still catching a headache. I'm kind of hung up on my ex I must admit. It's like her and I haven't spoken since her and I broke up and decided not to be friends, but I want to just sit her down and tell her how I really feel. I want to move on but everyone I have my eye on is in the same category my ex is in. It's like if there was a checklist for everything that pissed me off about her and I, I find it in someone else. I guess I'm kind of looking for her in someone else in a sense just not with all the bullshit.

Family Life: I'm beginning to feel like motherfucking Cinderella in this damn house. I can't find work and it's killing me. I can't do shit with my life during the week other then to try and find work and clean. My dad is busting his ass at work and when he's not home and everyone else is, I feel like I don't exist. Don't get me wrong I'm somewhat of a loner but I like to be around my household sometimes. I just hate the fact my stepmom is somewhat distant. It's like the only people she wants to converse with is my aunt and my dad. Occasionally, my stepsister and her will converse but I'd never want to sit down and have a conversation. It's just an ugly feeling. Like she wanted my dad but not all he came with i.e. me and my sister. I don't want to talk to her about it only because sometimes when I say things I tend to come off disrespectful or rude. It's not intentional it's just second nature to me to always speak EXACTLY what's on my mind. I'm at a lost but whatever.

All over: My emotions for today were shitty 10 times fold. It was a fun day I just thought to fucking far into everything. It's kinda late but I guess I'm just going to relax and then this weekend I'll pack a bowl or something.


Goodnight Bloggers.

Today Was One Of Those Days..

Today I did some different shit. I walked from my house to Wal-Mart and back. I went to the flea market. I talked to an old friend about doing their makeup, and I just chilled. Honestly, today was a no makeup, off the shoulder sweatshirt kind of day. Nothing really interesting to be real. I thought about a lot. I thought about life and what it holds but I came to the conclusion, no matter how much of my life I plan out, shit will never HONESTLY work the same.

I Don't Fucking Know Anymore

I guess you could say I've reached a point in my life where I feel somewhat unwanted. Not the kind of unwanted where you're not getting any attention, it's more like no one actually wants to fuck with you. I don't know why I've been in this ugly ass rut lately but I'm just super fucking unhappy. I guess it all started when my sister began looking for shit for prom and graduation. I graduated last year and my senior year was somewhat, I don't know, BULLSHIT ! I mean ok, so I didn't get to wear the dress I wanted to prom but I took my sister and guess what dress she wore? My point exactly. It's like she gets what she wants all the time and it's somewhat aggravating. I mean don't get me wrong I love my sister but I just wish we were equal. I'm the older of the two and I always get the shitty end of the stick. In this house I'm somewhat like Cinderella mixed with a little new age Princess Tiana. I want so bad to get out of here but I can't find work. I had an interview the other day and it went really well. So I hope I get the job. I don't really like my household anymore. I love the people in it, but the house itself is corrupt. It's like if I don't clean, the house is just dirty. I don't have my own room anymore because my aunt moved in. It's ok I guess I mean she does a lot to help us and she's super supportive. I just wish she cleaned more. I just want my own shit I guess. I guess I'm tired of looking at the same four walls. I mean I had to leave my university because of financial issues and I'm not taking any community college courses only because I have to pay Coppin their money first. Outside of all that, Im working on getting my license. That's not too hard I just keep fucking failing the permit test by 4 instead of just getting three questions incorrect and passing. I mean that's no one's fault but my own. I'm single simply because my ex girlfriend is a compulsive liar. I hate liars. I can't deal sometimes. It's like everything is glittering and gold one moment and then the next it's a stinking pile of llama shit and I'm forced to sit in it. I just don't know sometimes. I don't talk to anyone about my problems simply because I don't want sympathy. I don't want a damn pat on the back or none of that bullshit. I have what I need. Mary jane and our occasional encounters and my bestfriend Brittany. I don't think that I'll be in this shitty mind state forever but until something changes I'm going to feel like this. I'm trying and I'm putting in the effort I'm just getting impatient waiting for the payoff. I guess you could say, I'm doing what's needed but in the process I'm feeling like no one needs me.